Many people will walk in and out of your life, but only true friends will leave footprints in your heart.
Eleanor Roosevelt
We all have friends. From the time we learn to socialise, we make friends. When we enter school, we make new friends. At each stage of our lives, we have friends who form our support system.
In fact, the idea of friendship is so significant that there are even days dedicated to celebrating friendship. The United Nations recognises July 30 as International Day of Friendship, while in Singapore, it is usually in the second week of April.
A lucky few have tight-knit friendships like in the sitcom Friends. Unfortunately for the rest, your friends aren’t always there for you. You’re on your own.
Take me, for instance. I have friends — from each stage of my life. There are school friends (primary and secondary), polytechnic friends, and those from university.
When I got married in 2003, my husband and I had our own separate circle of friends. After our son was born, we got to know other young couples with children around the same age group. We used to meet at gatherings, the children got along well and all seemed ideal.
However, when we started having marital issues, the group was less than supportive. Instead of being empathetic, they would talk about how wonderful their spouses were and how hard they worked to keep the marriage alive. It’s not that I wasn’t happy for them, but a little sensitivity would really have been appreciated.
I would get calls from them individually, asking me to “just forgive and forget” and “to make it work for the sake of your son”. Even my parents told me to “be submissive” and “swallow your pride”.
All these comments were just salt on the wound. Even after I confided in them the real reason the marriage was failing, these friends would belittle it and tell me to not dwell on it and move on, to be the bigger person. If they were in my shoes, I doubt they’d have practised what they preached!
Once the divorce was final, it was as if our friendship never existed. We would still bump into each other at times, but it was just the casual greeting of “hi”, “bye” or “how are the kids?”. It was like they didn’t know how to be friends with someone who recently got divorced. I mean, I’m still me! Am I more likeable only when married?
I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t disappointed by the lack of support or sincerity. All I wanted was for someone to tell me: “I understand this is a very difficult time. If you need me to listen, just know I’m here for you.”
It would have been a comfort knowing I could count on someone, but I now understand that these people just couldn’t see past their own perfect unions.
What bugs me the most is people telling me they know what I’m going through, despite the fact that their marriages are going well; or when they offer advice that is not applicable to my situation.
So what happened after that? Well, I decided to look forward and stop regretting lost friendships. I relied on my friends from school, especially those from my tertiary educational days.
The best thing about these friends? They’ve known me since before I got married, and they passed no judgment whatsoever. They just listened, encouraged me and basically treated me the same way as they always had.
Even my relatives have come to terms with my divorce — one aunt even understands my situation and has shown support.
So do I still socialise? Definitely! I enjoy meeting people and exploring new friendships. But quite frankly, I try leaving out that I’m divorced and a single parent during the introductions. If the topic does come up, I say I’m divorced, as matter-of-factly as I can.
Most times they just nod and carry on with the conversation. Some ask questions like the reason for the split, or what visitation arrangements are like for my son. Some just avoid talking to me.
But I take it all in my stride. After all, I understand that not everyone is comfortable befriending a divorced, single mother. However, I hope they see that my marital status does not define who I am. So if someone decides to build a friendship, I will gladly welcome it and reciprocate in kind.
